Where do I start? Yesterday, after I wrote here, it seems everything went downhill. When I was woken up by Chris, I was soo exhausted that it didn't help matters any. I didn't want to go anywhere, but I told Jennifer I would come get her and take her to get a bus pass. I was tired and I had a headache. I felt guilty for upsetting Chris' mama so I told him what happened. In the car, we kinda got into it over something stupid. My fault entirely. His mom called while we were out, upset because his dad was mad because he didn't know that he had to pick her up too from where she was putting her car in the shop. So he only halfway did dinner. Blah.
We picked up Aiden and ran our errand with Jennifer. I called the landlord of the old apartment, who called the owner. I'm really close to taking them to court. They won't like me if I do. Why they don't get their thumbs out of their asses I will never know. It's just a deposit. I'm not even trying for the interest for crying out loud!
We got home after i cat napped in the car. His mom got upset because Chris knew about her hitting me. That made me feel worse. I'm not trying to upset her. I think she got upset too because I took my dinner downstairs at the computer where I was talking to my very good friend. She knows who she is. Chris had to tell his mom that I didn't feel good, which I didn't. I didn't even finish all of my potato(my dinner). My head was about to pop off, so I went to lay down.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I canceled my dentist appointment because I don't feel like doing anything. I'm just wanting to be left alone, and I think that is going to be a problem with his mom. It's like she's always looking for approval. I love her...but I think she's in for a rude awakening. When I get like this I pull away from everyone and spend time alone. It's better than the alternative. I don't want to go into an episode and do something I regret later. I don't want to yell at his family. I just want to be alone. I need to deal with how I feel and being surrounded isn't helping.
I know I probably need to see a therapist, but I don't want to. I don't trust them. Besides, I can barely get my ass to the real doctor these days...and I canceled my dentist appointment. How am I going to have the energy and want-to for a therapist?
It seems like all I do is upset people. Is it really fair to shackle Chris to me for the rest of our lives? I'm damaged. What the hell am I thinking?
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you are not damaged goods, Desi. I know you get low when you get this way, but believe it. I know that you are a awesome lady that has been through a lot. But what matters is that you are still kickin' it. I find that if i journal my thoughts it is better than seeing any stinking therapists. You are strong. You made it through the Hacker fiasco, losing someone that you loved and am engaged to a great guy. All you can do is to remember that he loves you. 