R.I.P. My Dear Friend | 11/23/2009 |
R.I.P. My Dear Friend
It's been a little over a month now since my dear friend, Bobby, passed away. October 16 he committed souicide. My heart has felt shattered since the moment I found out. I was in Kmart parking lot when I recieved a text message saying my best guy friend shot himself. I've been left with so many questions that will never be answered. He was always the person I went to for advice, and there were some things I only discussed with him. I've been horribly sad trying to deal with this loss, but I've also been dealing with so much anger. He was so young full of life and always seemed happy. I don't know what happened to make him hit such a low that would cause him to take his own life. I know he was struggling with the loss of his mother. I know it was really hard for him to lose her because they were so close, but he seemed like he was finally dealing with everything in a positive way. I seen him like 2 months before he died. He came to where I was living out of the blue one day and just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. This was not out of the ordinary for him to just randomly show up. He said he was happy, engaged, had a job, was getting ready to get his own place. He told me everything was finally looking up for him. The regret I have was the last time I seen him I was high. That was the one thing he didn't like me to do, and I hadn't told him I had started smoking pot again. I repeatedly hear him in my head saying, "You're so quiet now. You're not the same Amber I once knew." That kills me. If I had known that was the last time I would ever see him, I would have spoke more. I wouldn't have been high. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Hearing him telling me how different I was. Sure I was depressed, still trying to recover from my last eating relapse, and seperated from my husband, but he was my dear friend and I should have talked to him. I should have let him in on what was going on, but he seemed so happy. I didn't want to put a damper on his mood. In the past, when he would get souicidal, he'd always talk to me until he told me that he felt better and was ok. This time I had no warning. He told several people what he wanted to do none taking him seriously, but he didn't come to me this time. Why? Had I changed so much that he thought he couldn't really relate to me anymore? Could I have done something different? Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Sure many people thought he was weird, and yeah he talked like he was from a different time. It made it hard to understand him sometimes, but I would always tell him to break it down in Amber terms for me haha so that I could understand. He's the one that got me obssessed with butterflies. He told me I was like a butterfly...free spirited ready to spread my wings and fly away. I miss him so much. I use to be a very souicidal person, but now I know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. I know what it feels like to be a loved one left behind only to mourn a loss. It's hard it really is, but it's opened my eyes. Now I treasure the times I have with family and friends because I never know when it's going to be the last time. I no longer allow myself to get to such a low that I become souicidal. One thing that confuses me....Bobby always said souicide was the coward's way out, and that life could never get so bad that you would have to end it. If that was so then why did he? Like I said, so many unanswered questions that I will forever be left with. All I can do is remember the times he and I shared together and treasure those memories. I love my dear friend, and I hope he's resting peacefully. At least now his mind will be at rest never to torture him again. Goodbye my dear friend....you will forever be missed.Ladida Layouts
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