In the early hours of the morning, I am awake with severe pain in my abdomen due to the colitis I am dealing with. My husband texts me. Apparently he has been snooping around my facebook, and decided some people did not meet his tastes. These people are out-of-state, and all younger than myself. People I talk with about music, give them advice when they are having girl problems, and generally just joke around with. Nothing more, nothing less. They are my friends.
He goes off onto a complete rant about it, and begins accusing me of talking to "random internet entities," and threatens to not speak to me again until he returns from basic, if I do not delete them. At my refusal, he attempts to log into my facebook. A text laughing and saying "you changed your password, how convenient," comes through. He demands to know it, and I refuse. I told him he was not going to delete my friends, and that he was acting strange, childish, and irrationally. He goes off on a whole other rant about it, about how I am acting suspicious and if there is nothing that I am hiding, I should prove him wrong.
Prove him wrong about what? About the fact that until last night, he trusted me completely?
I could not believe how much he completely turned a 180 for no reason whatsoever. There was nothing to even remotely warrant his reaction to me, and nothing to convince me that I needed to prove something to him. There is no trust in this relationship, and has not been for quite some time. In my honest opinion, the way he reacted made him seem as though he was the one doing something wrong, and trying to backdraft the heat onto me to make himself feel better.
I wound up telling him he was acting insane, that he needed to step back and look at how he was treating his so-called "beloved" wife. Yet, it is me who is overreacting. It is all in "my head."
Though I need not justify things to anyone, I am not an unintelligent individual. I have spent time studying several subjects, one of which is psychology. In this, I have found the theory of "the bitten guilty are the accusers," to put it simply. Also, it is quite obvious how much he needs to justify all of whatever he happens to do from this point forward, and what he has done from this point in the past. I have done nothing to hurt my husband, I have not cheated on my husband, and I have not been unfaithful in the least.
While my heart does not lie with him any longer, it is because of this same behavior. While it has never been this severe, it was no different before. For approximately four months, we had a beautiful relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. And for four months, we had a beautiful relationship as husband and wife. This was his capacity, and he changed completely soon afterward. While I should have known while we were dating, I tried so hard to make it work. I tried to give him everything he wanted, I tried to even cater to everything he wanted.
At some point, he said he was not going to be a husband who could not think and act for himself. At that point, I began telling him "do whatever you want," to every single "can I do this," or "can I do that?" He began growing ill-tempered with this as well, and I came to realize there was no pleasing him, no matter what I did. My answer to this was - I will not be a wife that simply bends over completely backward for my husband who will not even compromise in any given situation. I will not go out of my way to change a "problem" we have when he will not give me the same courtesy.
Thank goodness for my supportive parents and family, friends, and best friend. I would not have kept my sanity through this madness without them. Without their support, I might have been unable to find the strength to get out of this toxicity. I might not have found the strength to find in myself the truths I needed to see. I might have remained blinded for years yet to come until something major happened, involving the law and more pain, while he was stationed elsewhere and I was far from home. I cannot count my blessings enough on this front.
While I am not against young love, I am against marrying someone you do not know. Now, I realize why so many relationship and marriage books say to live together for a year. Stay engaged for a year, know each other for a year, before making any life-altering decisions. At least, in this respect, you can learn what makes a person tick. You can learn what they do, who they are. One person will never know another person's heart. They will only know what this person shows them and proves to them.
My relationship with my husband, from the start, was not one of extended happiness. There were good weeks and bad months, and the times in between each began to increase in duration. There is no unconditional happiness anymore. There is no light-heartedness anymore. I fell in love with his lack of corruption in the beginning, or rather, the corruption I thought was not there. I heard so many people speak out against his personality, and I defended him, every single time. Now, it is quite painfully obvious that maybe these people were right. Perhaps they had a point. Close friends of his as well as bystanders could not all be telling a lie.
~
My best friend. Where have you been? Beyond the darkness I sealed myself behind.... searching for your light while I walked in the darkness to lose myself. I've been here so long.... I've been here for such a long time, I cannot figure out who I am anymore. You continue to talk to me, you continue to support me, but do you know who I am now? Do you know who I have become? Or is it.... you swore you would love me and accept me, no matter what?
Maybe it is impossible to ever ask you these things, for you may not even know. You have never not held me up when I was weak, and never deserted me when I needed you. You have gone out of your way to show me how you felt, and you have gone above and beyond anything I could have ever expected of you. You may not be the man by my side, but you are the man supporting me. You give me a reason to smile anymore, and you make me sure I can handle any battles that may come.
I cannot promise you that any of this is going to get easier. I cannot promise you that I can simply stop caring about him. I am not leaving him for you, I am leaving him for me. As soon as I am able, I will be free. No one else is worth my heart besides you, and you know that. No one else is worth my tears. No one else is worth my faith, my hope, my trust, my love. We both knew this all along, and yet the time was simply wrong. We passed one another by, time and time again, until we fell in love along the way. Without either one of us realizing it, for nine years plus, we were best friends from the moment we met. We were so close to one another, like missing pieces to each other. The moment we finally grew up.... this wonderful, trusting relationship blossomed into something more. Love. Our hearts became entwined. Our destinies became entwined. In this, we became the perfect match. Somehow, we became perfect for one another.
It is impossible to answer the questions of how and why now, and impossible to go back to figure out exactly when it happened. Some things in this life are true, whether you believe in them or not. Some things are simply meant to be.
And sometimes, the only people standing in our way is the person who looks back at us from beyond the mirror. |
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