Argh...
Why do I have to be still stuck on him.?...I mean its not like I see him anymore...we don't even talk...my interaction with him is pretty non existant...I mean the only way I see him is through facebook now....sometimes I 'like' his status and sometimes I comment on it...and maybe he'll comment back or 'like' the comment...but its not real interaction...I'm living in the past when it comes to him...its gotta be unhealthy....but I miss him....his person. Talking with him even tho briefly...seeing him smile or hearing his laugh...just hearing his voice....the weird little things he'd say or do...how he interacted with everyone....he was definately different from what I'm used to when it came to guys. I'm not used to guys being respectful....or protective of me (that are not family)...
I feel soo wrong for liking him....=/...I sometimes wish I never met him just so I don't feel soo...idk...depressed...its aweful...its not rational...its..ugh...obsessive...I don't actively seek him out.....but sometimes my family takes me to places where I know he sometimes goes around and I find myself partially hoping I see him and partially hoping I don't...I'm always looking for an exit point if I were to see him before he sees me...its crazy...cause I'm an insecure coward...that just wants to see him from the sidelines.....still I wonder if it did happen where I saw him but he didn't see me...if it'd be enough or would I want more....=/
There was this one time I was hanging out at Target and me and my grandpa were there for a long time staring out the window and I had this thought that he might show up there...I didn't want to leave because of that thought/feeling...but I got tired and needed to head home...about 20 minutes later my cousin calls me and says 'I just saw Al at Target....'....I miss my chance of seeing him in what I would call my territory...since he already knew I went there a lot...its all over my facebook...lol. It would have been ok to see him there...
I wouldn't have felt stalkerish ...which is how I feel when I find myself in places where I know he might show up because I'd like to see him.......but like I said I don't go actively seeking him out.....I try to steer clear of his 'territory'....because that's too much in my opinion of being obsessive and creepy...cause I want to see him...but my family likes to travel about....soo I can only hope I don't run into him at those places....
Yesterday we went to a movie theater close to where he works out (its located on the same lot)....and I prayed I didn't run into him....because I'm afraid he's gonna think I'm stalking him cause he posted he works out there....but I didn't choose the movie theater...my grandpa did...fate did....the movie wasn't showing at any of the other places we could of gone or my uncle kept saying no to different ones...soo yeah we went to the one I was afraid to go to.
I mean idk if Al thinks...knows I like him....but incase he does...I feel weird. I will never have a chance with this guy....but I'm doing the dumb girl thing...the 'what if' bs that gets girls in trouble and stuck. In the back of my mind...I'm saying a lot of 'what ifs' to myself...like...what if he and his girlfriend break up and I ran into him? (Rational mind: They're not gonna break up... and he's not into you...so it wouldn't matter)...what if I look different and attract him? (You won't...and he won't be attracted to you..and if you did...you might not have the kind of personality he's into...)..what if I do...? We never really talked much before cause I was too afraid everyone would catch on that I liked him and I'd feel embarassed....(there's a big possibility that your lack of experience will make you put your foot in your mouth and you'd scare him away before he got a chance to know you...its possible you already have...after all he's only barely a friend on fb...)
Its that fml moment everytime I feel the need to say hi to him on fb...or want to say something to him at all...I always have to tell myself not to...that I had done it before with little or no response....its like I'm a sadist or something...he has no real interest in talking to me...even if I tell myself he's probably busy and hasn't had time...he has plenty of time to comment on 'some' peoples' status's....I know he reads the messages I send....but I'm not the only person he leaves hanging....so I try not to take it personally..lol. I think its just a part of his nature or something....
Anywayz....I decided one day to try to get to know him...as a friend...that whatever I felt for him would somehow diminish once I knew enough about him to get over him. Like maybe there's things about him I would find as deal breakers....it'd be nicer for me to be able to get through my day without thinking about him or dreaming of him....I mean all the other guys I know on fb...I don't think about....they're friends but my mind doesn't suddenly go to them when I see everyday things...that's not the case with Al...a lot of things are constant reminders of him....=/...it sucks.
Its like beating my head against a wall...its pointless...and it only leaves me feeling worse.
What's sad is that the smallest acknoweledgement....the smallest....from him...and I'm happy. On cloud 9....giggley and giddy....
Like there was this one time that I made a comment on his fb agreeing with him and then this guy said 'f you' to me and him...which got Al to talk shit to the guy....which he never does...he might make a crack...but he doesn't get mad over something silly...(unless its a peeve....and even then he's reasonable)..but the guy included me in his insult and suddenly Al was talking the guy down..I brushed off the comment cause I know it was a sour point for a guy what I said even if I was just agreeing with Al...and so I made a light joke to his comment instead...and he called me funny..lol..but Al wasn't willing to let it slide..I felt like he got pissed with the other guy cause of including me in the 'f you' reference...I know that part of Al...he gets defensive for people he knows personally....he's done it before for me and others while we worked ....
I always felt like he was protecting me when I worked with him... He never got mad at me....he always would talk about where I missed something and said not to worry tho cause he fixed it....he'd ask if anyone was bothering me to let him know...he never told anyone else those things....not even Tilly or Kitty...this one time I was doing mass inventory with this guy...Al pulled me aside during break and asked if the guy was treating me alright...if not to let him know and he'll put me with someone else...it was kinda funny that day cause I felt ignored by him and then he went and did that. I told him I was fine...I had had a bit of an issue with the guy cause he had an attitude with me at first but the guy calmed down and started making small talk with me...nothing big or anything but it was fine...still the first hour I did have a depressed face...cause I felt the people I was working with didn't like me....and I have to wonder if Al saw that and that was why he asked afterwards...
Al always boosted me up...said I was his best worker...went out of his way to thank me...talked well about me to his fellow leads and supervisors. The first real time was when me and Al were talking about something and Al was critizing something I said...not in a mean way..he was making an opinion really...and well the 'boss" from the agency over heard when he stopped by and asked Al if he was being mean to one of the agency workers...and Al told him he'd never be mean to me...that I was his best worker and a nice person....before I knew it I had Al's hand on one of my shoulders and the boss mans hand on my other and they were praising me...I felt really awkward and was sure everyone was gonna hate me for the display....but they didn't....and as time went....everyone made their own praise of me...its really weird...
Once Al needed to talk to me for a bit before I left work and my cousin came to collect me..she worked there too and we worked the same shift...just in different departments/warehouses....she was telling me to hurry up and Al made a joke that he needed me...and something about being fired...lol...I couldn't help myself soo I asked him...'Al?...you wouldn't fire me if I couldn't stay ot would you?'...'you? Nah...Someone more disposible maybe...but never you.'...I felt happy and left....but I still worried about job...after all if the company wanted me gone...well there was nothing Al could do about it....
I got to work late one time....I was usually always on time...to everything with the job....it was an ongoing joke...that if I got up to go back to work that everyone had 2 minutes to start walking back from break....but this one day I was late due to the holiday season and my bus route changing....where I worked there was soo much traffic because of last minute shoppers down the street...soo I made a call before I was gonna be late...I didn't have Al's number but this girl I worked with and soo I asked her to let Al know....I ran to work once off the bus...and when I got there I imediately got to working and told Al what happened...he told me that I didn't need to run...that I was good...he wouldn't let me go for being late once....
I guess all the things he said and did for me...kinda just piled up and made me like him more than anyone at that job..including my friend Tati...I worked hard for him...hoping to never disappoint him...I wanted him to succeed at all cost....To be happy and content with his job...I hated seeing him stressed and worried....soo after awhile...I started fixing the problems I caught without telling him. A lot of the other workers wouldn't go to him for questions (I never understood why...I did all the time...) soo I told them to ask me and I'd help. If I didn't know what to do I'd ask Al for them....things got better and better and Al admitted that it had a lot to do with me....that at first he was worried with the job and his position being a lead but then he got the right people...(he stared at me)...and things got better....I pointed at myself with a raised I brow....and he nodded his head in confirmation to me....
...I find myself wondering if I'm in love with him...or if its just some adoration shit...I can't really know...I've never felt this way about anyone before...I've had crushes...but never like this...never to the point I'd gladly do almost anything for someone. Hell...even with my insecurities about myself....if he found himself single and wanted me...I'd be his in a heart beat...I think that's why I couldn't honestly be what that other guy wanted....I kept compairing him to Al....and in the end...that's what ultimately made my choice.....not soo much all the other things...even tho they were BIG pushes....but the fact that I wanted someone else...someone I couldn't have and that no matter how brief my experience would have been with that other guy...if there was just the slightest hope...I could be with Al one day....he was the one I wanted to share myself with...no one else..just him. To be honest the other guy...even if he had been a good guy through and through...he wouldn't have had a chance. I would of backed out of any potential relationship with him....I warned that guy tho...I told him when I was talking to him that if he tried to push me to do anything I wasn't happy with...I'd run....that even if he didn't do anything bad I might run...he was ok with it....soo its on both of us...really.
My feelings for Al worry me tho....as I have stated before....My grandpa tells me I'm gonna meet someone once I get working or go to school...that everything is gonna fall into place....but what if it doesn't? What if I stay stuck on Albert...and I'm just one of those girls who will always be alone...with a shit load of cats...?...lol. People tell me I'm pretty...that there's nothing really wrong with me but my weight and my sense of style...lol...that when I dress up I'm pretty. That guys stare at me when I'm not looking...or I get the 'why are you single?' When I talk to people after awhile...like they see a redeeming quality in me that brings to wonder what's really wrong with me....I've never been able to answer that question straight.....I give the excuses of being over weight, not getting out enough, not wanting to settle for less, that my family might not approve of the guys that are takers...that I don't approve of the guys who are takers...., that I'm not ready, I'm too insecure, I wouldn't know where to start or how to act, I'm not a flirt, I don't talk to strangers nor do I give them my number, etc.. etc...I think I'm just gonna stick to 'the right guy hasn't taken interest in me'....line....seems accurate.
At the end of the day....I'm incedibly unhappy...I always thought at this point in time I would have everything just so. I'd be thinner. I'd have a career. I'd have my own place. My own car. A life outside the walls of my home. A boyfriend/husband who loved me. And most importantly...children....I don't have any of that.... its like its being denied to me....(by me and whatever else that's out there)..time and time again..something always comes up and I don't like to force issues anymore because they back fire badly all the time....I am trying to change my life...its an ongoing thing...but once again my birthday is around the corner...my last year of being in my 20's and I feel like a child still trying to play keep up with everyone who seems to have a full 15 years ahead of me...most of my little brothers and sisters have waaaay more experience in life than I do...yeah sure I have a good head on my shoulders typically...I'm a 'good girl'....I tend to be more understanding of things....responsible...and I'm told I'm pretty wise...but I shouldn't feel weird when all the people younger than me talk about their live.....I feel left out....uninteresting....sad....pathetic. Missing something....
Between June all the way until after Valentines...I call it my weak time....its when I do things I wouldn't normally do.....its the time I forget my why nots.....its one of the reasons I talked to that guy I had no real interests in and felt the need to give him the benefit of a doubt...I'm tired of waiting....tired of thinking maybe this is it...only to have my hopes ripped out from under me...leaving me face down on the floor...claiming the tears are from the dirt and I'm just fine when people ask.....when I feel everything but fine, happy, content, etc....My family doesn't know it but the reason I can't sleep is because I can't stop thinking of Al.....I wonder if he even knows what kind of torment I'm in....I wonder what goes through his head...if he ever thinks of me...is it in fondness if he does.....if he gets compelled to talk to me but doesn't because he feels weird or unsure if its ok....
I don't want to kid myself that he likes me as more than just a person who was his good lil worker.....still I have soo many questions....like ...why did he keep asking me about my age.... why did he feel the need to protect me and my feelings....why was he soo nice to me of all people.... why after I put my fb on private did he suddenly accept my friend request....if he felt the tingling in his hands when we touched too... why doesn't he love his girlfriend...(which is non of my damn business but I'm curious)....why does he seem really down sometimes....why can he relate and understand my lost and how I deal with it....and soo many more....even little ones like what's his favorite color? Is it red? Because that's the color he seems to like to wear....Does he like animals..what kind...what is his biggest dream....what's his goals....who's his favorite singer and why.....etc.
Maybe I reminded him of one of his sisters...?...=/....*sigh*....he did say he had a little sister with my name...mind you...I have a little brother with his name too.....I don't like how I feel....I wish I could just fall for a guy who likes me back for once....instead of the unattainable..... |
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