Unrequinted Love Sux! Why do I do this to myself?

06/18/2013

I have only had 2 major crushes in my life.....one I have yet to get over...the first turned out to be gay but that's okay...I mended myself after my 'heartbreak'...lol. I laugh cause I felt incredibly stupid....the signs were there....he just hadn't came out yet. He was a great guy. Made me laugh...a lot. I'm a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh...lol. He used to stare at me and tease me during class a lot. Walked me to my other classes....he even seemed bothered by me one day and said I didn't accept him the way he was....but then in his way....apologized. I didn't understand then....but I guess maybe he was trying to tell me he was gay...I didn't stay going to that school and we lost touch but I liked him for years....I kept in mind that people change....and to be honest I wanted to see him again....just so I could move on....I was tired of comparing every guy to him internally....it was a personal torment....then one day I found him online and he was gay....with a boyfriend. I felt stupid...I cried because of my stupidity but after a week I felt better and moved on....I would occasionally go back to his profile but I was feeling a numbing effect. It was good and then one day he deleted his profile and I just was able to dust it off....I found him again on another website but not because I liked him anymore but because he was a friend at one time and I was bored..lol. I now look at his picture and wonder what I saw in him...lol. Not that he's a bad guy....not at all...I just have no attraction to him anymore and its great!
However......I fell for someone else eventually....took years....but here I am trying to think of other things and its not working....My grandma passed away april 2011 and when she died...I felt lost...she was my best friend....my mother....my everything....and she was gone.... I no longer knew what I was supposed to do with my life...my future plans were designed around her and my grandpa...and now they were gonna have to change....I knew one thing for sure...I needed a job to keep us going....cause all the promises from my family were empty. They said a lot of pretty things too...but I knew better...as soon as everything was set in motion...I needed to swallow my pain and get things done....to leave it to my grandmas children was asking too much....they were too busy mourning or feeling sorry for themselves...I know that's mean to say but its the truth....believe me...I wish it wasn't but after years of taking care of my grandparents and handling all the extra because it kept the peace.....I still had to dust myself off and start the hunt for a job to pay the bills cause no one could be bothered with doing that...I even did the shopping on foot while there were cars available... all the cooking even tho there were others who could.....keeping my grandpa busy soo he didn't drink or cry too much and make himself sick....I became stressed....I had a very hard time finding a job....it took me about 5 months to get one...and I hated that job...I road the bus for 4 hours going and coming...just so I could work 4 hours at a job that literally left me limping home....my checks were sad to say the least but I kept at it....I developed bruises on my toes....2 or so months in...I got pnemonia....and it was over...I tried to return but it was no use the doctors needed me to pay money I didn't have...no one would lend me money and the free clinics were booked for awhile....by the time I got to see a doctor...I was better and I had lost my job...I felt like an utter failure....even more so because I hated the job and a part of me felt relief.....but then it was off to search again....and it wasn't easy....I was losing hope...the bills were due and I needed money now...then I got 3 interviews all on the same day...I knew one was a guarantee soo I took a chance and went....after a day or 2...they called me when I thought I made the wrong decision....it was an agency job and during that time I didn't know what they were...just that my cousin got a job fast and I needed one and didn't care what the work was....they needed me that moment they called and I was worried I might not make it on time....but I manage to get the bus before it left and I got there on time....and that's when I met the guy who was gonna be a problem for me...lol.
When I met him he seemed like someone I was supposed to know...like he fit in my life somehow...I don't get feelings like that with people very often...and at the time I brushed it off...he wasnt particularly cute or attractive to me but his voice was pleasent enough to work for....I didnt have an instant crush or even like..to be honest....I was more worried if I was able to figure out the job because my mind was on slow or something that day cause everything he said made no sense to me...I had no clue what he was talking about...lol. I managed to do an ok job the first day and I asked if I could come back the next day and he said aslong as he doesn't say otherwise...I had a job.. I was happy. A week into the job and I asked him lots and lots of questions with regards to the job...I stayed quiet while everyone talked and tried to get to know my co workers. It wasn't long before he started to praise my abilities and gave me more responsibility. I admired him...he was a young guy and he was already a lead...he took the chance at an opportunity and he had a lot of people who hated him because of it....I understood his position and knew he was dealing with a lot of pressure...but he would always take care of his team...he was never mean to me...always patient and appreciative. I knew that I enjoyed working for him when another lead came to 'help' us.....the guy was cool but he tended to make me feel stupid for asking questions....I asked simple questions on a daily because I knew how the company kept changing things up...but the guy wanted to pick on me I suppose...until one day he realized what he was doing and stopped.....my lead man knew I was having a hard time dealing with the guy and felt simpathy for me but the company wanted it that way soo I had to make do with it..when it was finally back to normal I was content but then we had some new people....2 young girls...one was sweet but not too bright...and the other was kinda intense and tried too hard. I felt jealous of the second one....I didn't get it...I was all for production and if we had good workers then all the better but....I felt like she was stepping on my toes.....after awhile I made peace with her in my mind...telling myself that it was a good thing and then I realized the real reason why I couldn't....my lead talked easily with the girl and the girl was a flirt.....when I realized that I was bothered because of her ability to get close to him....I was like 'oh no...this can't happen....'....I did NOT want to be crushing on my boss.....I told myself that it was foolish to like someone who you have no chance in hell with...I argued with myself daily....but it was right there forcing me to acknoweledge.....that week was awkward for me...I couldn't talk to him clearly...I stuttered and couldn't stop blushing.....the girl became an annoyance for me but I play nice...I'm not a mean person...it wasn't her fault I was crushing on the lead man....as far as her work ability...well she turned out to be making a lot of mistakes and I was still the best worker there.....my lead told me as much and said he wouldn't consider firing me at all because I wasn't expendable....apparently he was having a hard time before I came to work for him...that a lot of mistakes kept happening and that I changed everything....he felt less stressed out and was always grateful for me. Of course monets like that just made me happy....I'm a sucker for compliments...I'm a leo...lol...eventually they had to let that girl and her friend go because of the mistakes and being late to work too often....I wasn't really happy cause I knew it meant a new batch of people to train....
I was right not to feel overjoyed too because the next 2 girls to come to work...were lazy workers...but they were pretty....my lead showed his 'typical guy' self when they came to work for us and I found myself losing respect for him....the first girl got his interest but he found out she was in a relationship and a very big flirt with all the guys at the warehouse...I later found out she slept with one of the guys while she was in her 'serious' relationship....she even claimed to feeling bad cause our lead stop paying as much attention to her when the other girl came to work for us....now that girl became an issue....she was okay at first but then she felt suddenly like work was too hard or something and I found her and the other one who was now her friend slacking off....my lead never let any of us do that....it was very apparent to all the workers that he was attracted to the new girl....he started getting scolded because of them....and well it was his fault...he never talked about it to the others but he mentioned it to me one day...I told him needed to get on her more to work but he got a lil defensive and I dropped it.....I still liked the guy but he was being an idiot....but then so was I wasn't I? After all I worked soo hard because I wanted him to be happy....don't get me wrong...I work hard for all my jobs but I went the extra mile for him....he made me his choice in assistant lead during that time and I wouldn't have taken the position if it wasn't for him....I knew he counted on me and saw how he was busting his ass for the job...I was already helping him soo I figured I'd give it a shot....eventually all the people I worked around or for became to know me as a hard worker worth the chance. Before him no one even wanted to consider me but I proved myself time and again....I was looked at as forgettable....the new supervisor didn't want to give me the time of day...let alone the chance. My lead spoke highly of me and people would just say....'what? Her?'...and make a face....but after all those potential male canidates for lead positions....only me and some other guy were doing the best job. Making my lead man smug..lol. and he really was....he didn't like however how I was being taken away to do other projects because he had only those 2 girls to help him and they didn't want to work...they even messed up an important batch of inventory.....but he was happy for me.
Its been a year since I last saw him....but I haven't moved on....and I might never be able to....I keep telling myself 'give up....he doesn't like you like that...he never will....you're not his type...do you really want to be with him knowing he flirts a lot?....knowing he's 6 years younger than you?.....knowing that you couldn't even conversate with him because you're too awkward?'....the list goes on and I try hard to forget and succeed until I dream of him or my cousin tells me she saw him at the very place I was at minutes ago....my cousin hates my crush on him...my friend from work hates that out of all the cute guys at work... I ended up liking him....lol...she makes fun of me...lol...its funny...my loyalty to him is soo strong that I get defensive for him when one of my old coworkers speak ill of him... what's worse is I'm having a harder time finding a job since then and it keeps me idle....not even searching for work is helping me keep my mind off him....I'm beginning to think maybe I intentionally like unavailable guys cause I know I can't have them in my life the way I want....that maybe its because I don't know if I'm relationship material......but then the issue with him is it all comes back to a stupid dream I had many years before I ever met him....lol. I'll get into that on another post....its a long story....and I've got to go to sleep now...I just needed...to post this...cause sometimes it helps me to say what I've been dieing to say.....I could never post this on my facebook because he's one of my friends on there...along with several of our old coworkers...=/....