Healing
I realize that there's a few things I'm doing wrong. Several wrong approaches. I should be helping myself more than tormenting myself. I'm heading down a road to recovery. I'm very fragile at the moment. And I'm looking for useful tips to get my life back on track. I've found closure with my ex. He no longer has a name anymore, because the reality of all of it is, he indeed is my ex. Nothing more to me anymore. I've done a huge amount of growing up. I've found that during my relationship I have neglected many things and people, and especially myself. No longer had I taken care of myself, like before. No longer am I as close to my family because I felt secure. Secure that he would always be with me. I had been able to push everything aside and let him become my entire life. He has consumed much of my time, now that I have all of that back, I'm both giddy and tormented. So much I can do now, and I have a list a mile long. Even silly little things like watching a new movie and reading a new book. I'm starting to take more walks, as I should probably continue to do each morning. People in my city recognize me now, from all of the walking. It gives me hope, that I'm actually going in the right direction. I'm going to use this journal to sort out my feelings, even if nobody in the entire world reads it. I'll know it's there for me to look back on. I'm hoping a few years down the line I can read this and laugh, or be happy. I'm tired of being so insecure all the time, I want to love myself, and actually give a damn about what's going on. Only when I have done that will I really feel better, and able to take the larger steps to get where I want to be overall.
I want to somehow manage to drop all of the negativity. I'm so bitter and look down on people because of the way I was treated in the past. I don't want to do that any longer, I want to believe that there's good people who will treat me with the same respect I give them. I don't want to dread another day, or wish that I could be someone else for only a minute. It feels like it'll be a long, hard process. Almost like making something out of nothing, but I know that it's not as hard as I make it to be. I make it hard to give myself an excuse for not doing it. We can overcome most dreadful little things if we allow ourselves to do so.
I remember not long ago feeling this overwhelming hopeless feeling. That I'll never get out of this rut, I'll never be anything. But now I'm in college and I'm working towards being someone that I want to be. I thought when my relationship ended that it was back to square one. But it isn't. I've already made small steps and I can't look back. Pushing forward is the biggest obstacle in my life as of now. All I can do is embrace the possibilities and present myself with opportunity.
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